Fortune Watch

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This is a story by Isaac Asimov which I thought was worth sharing : What is intelligence, anyway? When I was in the army, I received the kind of aptitude test that all soldiers took and, against a normal of 100, scored 160. No one at the base had ever seen a figure like that, and for two hours they made a big fuss over me. (It didn’t mean anything. The next day I was still a buck private with KP - kitchen police - as my highest duty.)

All my life I’ve been registering scores like that, so that I have the complacent feeling that I’m highly intelligent, and I expect other people to think so too. Actually, though, don’t such scores simply mean that I am very good at answering the type of academic questions that are considered worthy of answers by people who make up the intelligence tests - people with intellectual bents similar to mine?

For instance, I had an auto-repair man once, who, on these intelligence tests, could not possibly have scored more than 80, by my estimate. I always took it for granted that I was far more intelligent than he was. Yet, when anything went wrong with my car I hastened to him with it, watched him anxiously as he explored its vitals, and listened to his pronouncements as though they were divine oracles - and he always fixed my car.

Well, then, suppose my auto-repair man devised questions for an intelligence test. Or suppose a carpenter did, or a farmer, or, indeed, almost anyone but an academician. By every one of those tests, I’d prove myself a moron, and I’d be a moron, too. In a world where I could not use my academic training and my verbal talents but had to do something intricate or hard, working with my hands, I would do poorly. My intelligence, then, is not absolute but is a function of the society I live in and of the fact that a small subsection of that society has managed to foist itself on the rest as an arbiter of such matters.

Consider my auto-repair man, again. He had a habit of telling me jokes whenever he saw me. One time he raised his head from under the automobile hood to say: “Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand. The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left.

Well, doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?” Indulgently, I lifted my right hand and made scissoring motions with my first two fingers. Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and said, “Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them.” Then he said smugly, “I’ve been trying that on all my customers today.” “Did you catch many?” I asked. “Quite a few,” he said, “but I knew for sure I’d catch
you.” “Why is that?” I asked.

“Because you’re so goddamned educated, doc, I knew you couldn’t be very smart.”

“Most people are to busy earning a living to make any money.” - Unknown

“A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich.” - Cleveland Amory

“Money is just the poor man’s credit card.” - Marshall McLuhan

“It is only by not paying ones bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.” - Oscar Wilde

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” - Franklin Jones.

“Money can’t buy happiness; but POVERTY can’t buy ANYTHING.” - Anonymous

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” - Jackie Mason

“If it isn’t the sheriff, it’s the finance company: I’ve got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.” - John Barrymoore

You Know You’re Rich When…
During a cold winter night you can’t find any more firewood so you hack the leg off your Steinway grand piano and use it to keep the fire going until your butler shows back up with something more flammable Your children play monopoly with real money.

God’s Time And Money
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” God replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A penny.” Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?” And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”

Broker
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Lending
If you lend somebody ten pounds and never see them again….. it was probably worth it.

“The financial markets generally are unpredictable. So that one has to have different scenarios.. The idea that you can actually predict what’s going to happen contradicts my way of looking at the market.” - GeorgeSoros.

“You aren’t wealthy until you have something money can’t buy.” - Garth Brooks.

“Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the “game.” - Donald Trump.

“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” - JP Getty.

“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais.

“It is only by not paying ones bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.” - Oscar Wilde.

“I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year.” - Victor Borge.

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” - Dorothy Parker.

“When buying shares, ask yourself, would you buy the whole company?” - Rene Rivki.

Into The Real World:
Recently launched into the “real world” and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of car insurance. “If you got married,” teased his friend Brad, “the premium would be lower.” Bob responded, “But wouldn’t that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?”

Borrowing:
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back.

“Buy land. They’ve stopped making it.” – Mark Twain

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” - Bill Vaughn

“I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” - Malcolm Forbes

“If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around.” - Christina Stead

“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” - Jules Renard

A letter from a college student
The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter: Dear Mom and Dad: Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ and $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t! But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But I don’t want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.

Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” “I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad. “You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.” “What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “There must be some mistake.” “I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

Saving money
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand. Good, my dad quickly replied. Wash it again!

“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college”. - Bill Vaughn

“He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money”. - Benjamin Franklin

“Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip”. - John Locke

“I‘m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood”. - Brooke Shields

“If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves”. - Lane Kirkland

“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did”. - Henry Youngman

“There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there”. - Colonel Sanders

Financial Joke:
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. “That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!” “You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

Being successful:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”

A dollar per point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.” - Nick Arnette.

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward” - George Carlin.

“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” - Spencer Tracy.

“Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.” - Errol Flynn.

“It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.” - Ken Hubbard.

A man explained inflation to his wife thus: “When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.” – Lord Barnett.

“A man can never have enough of socks, women and cigarette lighters. Did I forget money?”
– Zakman

“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.” – J. Paul Getty

“Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” - Woody Allen

“When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.” Fern Naito.

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.

“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.

“It’s better to give than to lend and it costs about the same.” Philip Gibbs.

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
– Dorothy Parker

Financial Joke: The Stock Report

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Hold on a second Read (more…)

“Money isn’t everything…but it ranks right up there with oxygen”. - Rita Davenport

“It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money”. - Albert Camus

“Poverty is a blessing hated by all men”. - Italian Proverb
_______

“If God only gave me a clear sign; like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank”. - Woody Allen

“More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.”- John Nelson.

“I wish that dear Karl could have spent more time acquiring capital instead of merely writing about it.” Jenny Marx

“Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender.” Kay Ingram

“Asking a blogger what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs” Lamp Post (not a Money Quote…just for laughs).

“When running out of amusing quotes, ask readers to contribute and offer a free link back”. Robin Bal (Old Chinese saying)

You can’t force anyone to love you or lend you money. - Jewish Proverb

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. - Groucho Marx

Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by other men. - Charles Caleb Colton

A man that hoards up riches and enjoys them not, is like an ass that carries gold and eats thistles. - Sir Richard Burton

I rob banks because that’s where the money is. -Willie Sutton.

They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. -Joseph Addison

I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.-Clinton Jones

There are three ways of losing money: Racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain- Lord Emherst

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.”- Brendon Francis

I‘ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock this afternoon.” -Henry Youngman

Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.”-Edmund Stockdale