Your New Office Due To Financial Crisis And Budget Cuts

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NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Source — Happy-Funtime

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20 Responses

  1. And, above all, the one you forgot: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

  2. Michael says:

    Very amusing article 😀 …although scarily close to potential reality i fear!

  3. Simple says:

    Hi,
    This is a nice post but already posted before. I think you should give some credit to the first poster by including the link to your website. This post i saw on the website below in February.. I hope you understand the web technology..

  4. Shaniqua says:

    You need to find a new hobby or get into drugs ASAP

  5. Carole says:

    Very, very clever and very funny!

  6. Casi says:

    I agree with Michael.

  7. Robin Bal says:

    @ Simple
    If you check at the bottom of the post, I have given the link and credit to the original post.

  8. Ok, these people have entirely too much time on their hands.

  9. Hmmm this appears to be photoshopped. Shadows are definitely all wrong

  10. . says:

    Photoshopped shopped, no way, I think its cool.

  11. Simple says:

    ohh sorry my mistake..

  12. funny says:

    almost in order :)

  13. lexi says:

    I’m just wondering how much company paid time went into this? Considering that I want to work there!

  14. zak says:

    i’ve worn that Tshirt to work: (with skull & crossbones on it), “the beatings will continue until morale improves”!! Reality check for management…..

  15. Someone says:

    @Photoshopexpert:

    You’re photoshopped…

  16. Mark Barnes says:

    lol. Definately a constructive way to waste time.

  17. Abused says:

    This isn’t the future, I already work there

  18. bodillymill says:

    I note the normal I.T. department ability to connect boxes together seems to be consistent at this palace of work which is nice to know…that standards are universal….across the world

  19. m belt says:

    just lost my lunch break to your website :)

  20. Edmundo Oree says:

    What I enjoy about blog posts is the fact that they trigger a thought in my brain. The moment that happens, I feel like I need to comment with the hope it will be useful to others.many different points of view, they challengeuseful I find myself returning to your site only because you have various awesome insightshappen to be, and that is very impressive and tells me you know your stuff.imagination in others

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