Lighter Side

glasgow-whisky.jpgA man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

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recycling-bin.jpgWise men always said that words are like arrows on a bow. Once released, they never come back but hover around in the universe. I wonder, what would you say about the written word?

Writers and writing coaches like to rail against flabby writing. But what if this verbal clutter wasn’t just getting in the way of us writing with clarity and style – what if it was also draining the vital resources of the planet?

Those innumerable blogs, sms blitz on a million mobiles, reams of emails are probably lying in the hinterland of the universe somewhere, words that we need no more.

Even when we hit the trash icon on our computer screens and feel happy to clear the trash from our computers and servers, does it go away completely? Or does it just get released in the digital world to rot and fester away for years?

The eco experts have already expressed alarm over the piling junk in space with nearly half a century of our space exploration programmes.

There is junk from spent rocket stages, hatches blown off space shuttles, paint fragments chipped of shuttles travelling at incredible speeds and old, rusted satellites, floating around us hundreds of light years away.

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flattery.jpgFlattery will get you everywhere. Giving praise is often neglected. When was the last time you took the time to call someone to thank them about a service they performed for you? Or, in this generation, emailed a nice testimonial?

It helps negotiate: Flattery is infantry on the march for negotiation. Actually it is the best, and oldest, trick in the book to bag the best deals while shopping.

It breaks the ice: Sometimes, a little flattery goes a long way in getting to know new people. Surprising how much nicer people can get when their ego is pampered.

It lifts spirits: When a friend has a bad hair day or is feeling down, a bit of flattery does the trick. Instantly,it makes him/her feel better.

The queue moves: In a supermarket on a Friday evening, a little flattery can help you jump the queue and stave off varicose veins.

Makes light of excess baggage: A minor compliment accompanied with a smile could help you save some precious dollars at the airport!

Gets help when the tyre goes flat: A damsel in distress plus a little flattery. Result? A good samaritan to help and the happy prospect of keeping freshly manicured nails in tip top condition.

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004622.jpg I‘m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” – E. E. Cummings.

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.” – Jane Austen

If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.”Errol Flynn

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” JP Getty.

Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” Taylor Meade.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.” WC Fields.

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.” J Billings.

October is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” Woody Allen.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.” Albert Einstein.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
Spike Milligan.

The last message you want to see while investing in the stock market.

errormsg20.jpgWhat is the stock market trying to tell you?

If you watch the stock trends closely, there’s always a message that tells you the future, because stock prices are never about today. They only tell you what to expect—it’s bizarre, but sometimes when the stock of a loss making company spirals upwards, it just means good times could be ahead.

You can read the messages if you’re careful enough and spend some time in analysis.

However, the impulsive stock market jockey does not really care about the trend. More often than not, he only gets one kind of message from the stock market:

confidence.gifA hypothetical situation where 20 CEO’s board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEO’s is then told, privately, that their company’s software is running the aircraft’s automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO’s promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : “If it is the same software that runs my company’s IT systems, this plane won’t even take off.” !!!!

That is called Confidence!!!

Makes me wonder if CEO’s buy their own STOCKS???? 😆

inf017.jpgHere’s an old story that some of us have heard when we were children. A group of blind men want to know what an elephant is like and are taken to an elephant to figure its shape out for themselves. Each one touches a different part and thus gets a completely different idea of what the elephant is like. One touches its side and thinks the elephant is like a wall. Another one touches the trunk and thinks it to be like a snake. The one who touches the tail thinks that the elephant to be like a rope and the ears were like a fan and the tusks like spears and the legs like tree trunks and so on and so forth. The moral of the story is obvious. In some versions of this story the blind men become violent over their differences and beat each other up. The story is used to indicate that reality may be viewed differently depending upon one’s perspective. The problem, of course, is not the blind men are all wrong but they are all correct, but only partially so.

When the stock markets have fall sharply, losing about 5 per cent over five trading days. Newspapers and on TV channels, there are any number of blind men offering opinions about the elephant in the stock markets. Here are some of the more popular reasons. Worried about inflation and under pressure, the government will reduce duties on X and/or forbid the exports of Y and/or ban futures trading in Z and/or increase capital gains tax (either short-term or long-term) and/or an increase in the Securities Trading Tax and lots more.

All of it sounds like reasonable fears and any one could come true. In recent months, generally when I talked to big investors they seemed to be hunting for reasons to justify the rise in stocks. Now, they are desperately hunting for reasons to prove that stocks are going to fall. At the end of the day, the fact remains that after years of booming stock prices, everyone is nervous and knows that there will some kind of a correction and would like it be over and done with as quickly as possible.
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One of my friends writes some interesting stuff that is being written nowadays about investing, is fond of using the word fool. But he doesn’t do it the normal way – the way, say, a school teacher does. For example, I remember him once saying that banks were the default suppliers of foolishness in the markets. This idea of foolishness in this special sense makes it easier to understand why markets behave the way they do. What exactly is this foolishness? I think it’s best defined as what is not.

barros-money-man.jpgWe’ve all heard of the Efficient Market Hypothesis, which says that financial markets are ‘efficient’, meaning that the prices of stocks (or other securities) reflect all known information and therefore incorporate the collective beliefs of all investors about the future. For the hypothesis to be correct, people must have equal access to all information and have rational expectations.

I think the kind of foolishness we are talking about is everything that is the opposite of all those factors that make the market efficient. It’s a bit like heat and cold in physics. You could say that the flow of knowledge and rational expectations keep the markets efficient or you could say that it’s the flow of foolishness that keeps the markets inefficient. Isn’t that a problem? No, it isn’t, most certainly not. Inefficiency is what keeps the stock market interesting and profitable. If the markets were as efficient as the hypothesis says, then those who can identify and mark out foolishness would make less money.

Therefore, a steady and limitless supply of foolishness is the greatest of assets. Foolishness is the life blood of the stock market. Without foolishness, we would be nowhere. Instead of worrying about how well companies are doing and how much the economy is growing, smart stock investors should instead worry about whether an adequate supply of foolishness will be maintained. I’m happy to inform readers that if present trends continue, they have nothing to fear.

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wasted3.jpgMost people are to busy earning a living to make any money.” – Unknown

A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich.” – Cleveland Amory

Money is just the poor man’s credit card.” – Marshall McLuhan

It is only by not paying ones bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.” – Oscar Wilde

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones.

Money can’t buy happiness; but POVERTY can’t buy ANYTHING.” – Anonymous

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason

If it isn’t the sheriff, it’s the finance company: I’ve got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.” – John Barrymoore

You Know You’re Rich When…
During a cold winter night you can’t find any more firewood so you hack the leg off your Steinway grand piano and use it to keep the fire going until your butler shows back up with something more flammable Your children play monopoly with real money.

God’s Time And Money
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” God replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A penny.” Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?” And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If you lend somebody ten pounds and never see them again….. it was probably worth it.

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