Fortune Watch

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire-Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
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There was this lady Hillybilly
Told Obama you look silly,
With your policies so dumb,
Just like your black bum,
And your small black willy.

All Obama could do was have a big laugh and say “How silly can you get Hilly?”

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

*** *** ***

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

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Flattery will get you everywhere. Giving praise is often neglected. When was the last time you took the time to call someone to thank them about a service they performed for you? Or, in this generation, emailed a nice testimonial?

It helps negotiate: Flattery is infantry on the march for negotiation. Actually it is the best, and oldest, trick in the book to bag the best deals while shopping.

It breaks the ice: Sometimes, a little flattery goes a long way in getting to know new people. Surprising how much nicer people can get when their ego is pampered.

It lifts spirits: When a friend has a bad hair day or is feeling down, a bit of flattery does the trick. Instantly,it makes him/her feel better.

The queue moves: In a supermarket on a Friday evening, a little flattery can help you jump the queue and stave off varicose veins.

Makes light of excess baggage: A minor compliment accompanied with a smile could help you save some precious dollars at the airport!

Gets help when the tyre goes flat: A damsel in distress plus a little flattery. Result? A good samaritan to help and the happy prospect of keeping freshly manicured nails in tip top condition.

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