Humor


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There was this lady Hillybilly
Told Obama you look silly,
With your policies so dumb,
Just like your black bum,
And your small black willy.

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All Obama could do was have a big laugh and say “How silly can you get Hilly?”

glasgow-whisky.jpgA man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

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flattery.jpgFlattery will get you everywhere. Giving praise is often neglected. When was the last time you took the time to call someone to thank them about a service they performed for you? Or, in this generation, emailed a nice testimonial?

It helps negotiate: Flattery is infantry on the march for negotiation. Actually it is the best, and oldest, trick in the book to bag the best deals while shopping.

It breaks the ice: Sometimes, a little flattery goes a long way in getting to know new people. Surprising how much nicer people can get when their ego is pampered.

It lifts spirits: When a friend has a bad hair day or is feeling down, a bit of flattery does the trick. Instantly,it makes him/her feel better.

The queue moves: In a supermarket on a Friday evening, a little flattery can help you jump the queue and stave off varicose veins.

Makes light of excess baggage: A minor compliment accompanied with a smile could help you save some precious dollars at the airport!

Gets help when the tyre goes flat: A damsel in distress plus a little flattery. Result? A good samaritan to help and the happy prospect of keeping freshly manicured nails in tip top condition.

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004622.jpg I‘m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” – E. E. Cummings.

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.” – Jane Austen

If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.”Errol Flynn

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” JP Getty.

Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” Taylor Meade.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.” WC Fields.

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.” J Billings.

October is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” Woody Allen.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.” Albert Einstein.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
Spike Milligan.

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